Anxiety Heart

After receiving word regarding work and the decision to return ultimately up to myself, I decided I will go back next week. 

I am so, so grateful to have my job, the flexibility, the hours to suit being a mum as well, and the opportunity to show my boys that to get what you want, you need to work for it.. but I am petrified of going back.

Anxiety hit me like a train, knocking the air out of my lungs and turning me into a useless, shaking mess.

My thoughts were dizzying. 

Its not that I dont want to go back to work, its not that I'm scared of the virus risk, there have been no cases in our town - reported...

Its that home is where my heart and soul feel most at peace.

I am my happiest when I'm caring for my family.

I dont like crowds, I have panic attacks just going to the supermarket.

At work I know these people, I know I'm safe, I accept all this.

So why am I so terrified of people?!

To ease the jitters I keep busy.

Simple chores to keep my hands busy and mind thinking of basic tasks rather than over thinking and questioning everything.

So washing is hung in the afternoon sun.

The smell of fresh laundry, grass, and sweet sea breeze wafting over my skin and through my hair.

My heartrate slows.

I breathe a little easier.

I go inside and bake.

Lemon Slice, Boof's favourite. 

Crush 400g of plain biscuits, I use my food processor.

Add 2 cups of shredded coconut and the finely grated rind of 1 lemon.

In a small saucepan gently heat a tin of condensed milk (just the contents, not the tin 🙃) and 200g of butter until the butter is melted. Stir often to avoid burning.

Pour into your bowl of dry ingredients and mix it all together.

Pour the mix into a tray lined with baking paper - leave enough baking paper overhanging the ends to use as handles when its time to lift it out of the tray.

Flatten it all out evenly, I use my masher but hands are just fine.

Pop in the fridge for an hour and a half to firm up.

To make the icing mix 2 cups of icing sugar, 20g of soft butter and the juice of your lemon (used for rind earlier).

If it is too funny add more icing sugar.

When the base is done in the fridge spread the icing over and let it stand for 30 mins to set.

It no longer needs refrigeration.

*I double the base recipe (not the icing) as I have hungry boys and like to use a full tin of condensed milk in one go. If you want a smaller slice please halve these measurements.

Lift out of the tray using your baking paper handles.

Cut yourself a yummy slice to go with a cup of tea, and find some sunshine to soak up.

Crocheting has helped me most, since I began having anxiety problems at 11 years old.

Nature is my other big healer.

I find the wind rushing through the trees very soothing.

I love the rain.

I adore thunder.

Sitting in the last of the afternoon sun calms me, reminding me that tomorrow the sun will rise again and so will I.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow. 

I just need to remind myself that.

No specific gratitudes today.

I like to think this post is one big gratitude tribute.

🖤🖤🖤

Homebound & Loving It

Here we are, week 5 (I think.. I've lost count) of being homebound. 

I am still loving it and the boys don't seem to be minding it either.

It is super nice to stay in our jammies that little bit longer - especially with the mornings getting chilly!

Theres no schedule to stick to, making our usual day to day routines and chores less stressful.

We get our jobs done (housework, making beds, tending pets) without the pressure of time running out and having so much to do like on a regular work/school day.

Movies are being watched, jigsaw puzzles completed, books read, games played.. 

It's so nice 💛

**I just wanted to edit this in.. I am in no way enjoying the reason we are at home and under such restrictions. I have cried watching the news, I am not heartless. I am just trying to focus on my little family and making the most of our time together.

I have discovered my new favourite comfort food ~ wonton soup!

I found the recipe my good friend had used to make it but i was unable to find the wonton pastry locally, and my mojo being a bit low that day, rather than making my own i just bought some pre-made seafood dumplings.

I ate so much I must be starting to look like a dumpling ;)

Boof has always refused to eat soup while he still has his teeth (he's hilarious!) But he tried this one and really enjoyed it. 

I made a comment about his teeth and soup, but he informed me that this wasnt soup and was actually broth with stuff in it.

He makes me laugh!

The garden is slowly coming back to life.

I planted out my broad bean seedlings a few days ago, and some radishes.

The celery, potatoes, spinach and garlic are doing really well.

Barbara is still jumping the vege fence and trying to scratch up the carrots - naughty!

There have been so many of these beautiful butterflies in the garden lately.

I watched this one chasing away cabbage moths for half an hour.

He/she is more than welcome to stay!

Apparently butterflies are a sign of change, I wonder what could be on the horizon..

Nothing wrong with believing in a bit of magic/folklore over coincidence ;)

I fiiiiinalllllyyyy finished my teal blanket!!

Its ribbed stitch gives it a really nice texture and is super chunky.

It is the perfect size for shnuggling under on the couch with a warm malt milo (my current fave comfort drink), and a book. 

I got halfway through Sleeping Beauties by Stephen and Owen King but decided it wasn't my type of book.

I moved on to The Lucky Galah by Tracy Sorenson. I love that is was based in Australia so was very relatable, and set in the 60's made me love it more. It took 2 nights to finish :)

I have just started A Ragged Schooling by Robert Roberts.

We were low on cleaning fizzies so I whipped up another batch.

Its quite satisfying to make your own cleaning products and know that they are eco friendly.

We drop one of these in the toilet, they fizz up for a couple of minutes, then we give it a scrub, flush and shazam! Sparkling clean!

To make your own you need to mix 300g of bi-carb soda with 130g of citric acid. Add 30g of a carrier oil, i use fractionated coconut oil, and mix it together. It should hold together when you squeeze it in your hand, if not, add a little more oil. I add a few drops of essential oil to the mix, lime and orange are my faves. Squish it into some moulds. I have an ice cube tray with a silicone base for easy extraction, and I also used a silicone chocolate mould. Leave them to set overnight, then pop them out of the moulds and store in an airtight container. Easy!

**This is not my own recipe!

It was passed on to me and I unfortunately cannot give credit to the original creator.**

A few weeks ago I sadly had 4 more trees removed from my little property.

They were growing right along a fence and had gotten so big that they were starting to push and buckle it.

It had to be done.

I love, love, love trees and it hurt my heart to have them removed.

Im trying to be positive though, they were super messy.. I mean crazy leaf mess everywhere!

In the house, the shed, in the window screens!

So yard work should be a little lighter now and the best thing, it has opened up our yard so much. 

I dont mean ground space, I mean we can see so much sky now! 

I forgot how much I love watching clouds.

And stars! 

My goodness!

I have sat outside most nights looking up, counting satellites.

I saw 3 satellites pass the same spot within seconds of each other, all in different directions. 

Ive never seen anything like it!

And I saw the most amazing shooting star a few nights back, so big, bright orange, long tail and it seemed to last for ages!

I have a few arty crafty projects on the go that I should be getting on with.

I'll share them when they are done.

Stay safe and keep happy 🖤🖤🖤

P.s. Today I am grateful for...

1. Having this extra time at home with my boys. They won't be this young forever.

2. Being re-inspired to find my true self again, the little piece of hippy~gypsy in my soul.

3. Patience. Not usually something I work well with, but hindsight has shown me the benefits of patience, and that waiting to make a decision can be for the best. 

Home Sweet Home

For the past week the boys and I have been home in isolation.

Not gonna lie, it has been heaven!

The boys are getting along and havent once whined about having to do schoolwork, hooray!

We have balanced our day with schoolwork, chores, play and relaxation.

I didnt waste any time getting stuck into my dahlia blanket and..

*drumroll*

It is finished!

While we re-watched The Hunger Games series I smashed out the border.

I had just half way to go on the final round but couldnt keep my eyes open so finished it off on Sunday morning.

I carried it around like a newborn baby for a while, so smitten to have it done.

Ive decided to put it away until later in the year to be a birthday gift to my mother.

I have begun, again, my teal throw. 

Definitely got the size I want this time.

Third times a charm, thats what they say.

Ive been baking and baking and baking too.

Spiced fruit biccies, chocolate pecan fudge, custard cake.. 

So many other recipes swirling around, tempting and inspiring..

Hmm, all this talk of food.. I need breakfast!

Yesterday I got stuck into the vege garden.

I weeded around the onion seedlings. 

Re-laid hay through the other seedlings, most of which we lost to our naughty chickens jumping the garden fence!

I tell ya, they keep it up and I might just revoke my recent decision of pescatarianism! **jokinggg**

Re-planted seeds as the first lot didn't sprout.

I havent been having much luck, but I was so motivated yesterday, I'm going to make things happen!

I am happy though to see my perpetual spinach (chard) seeds have sprouted, hooray!

So aside from the obvious stress and anxiety of everything going on in the world, our patch is coping ok. 

For the moment.

Thats not to say that Im not worried.

Im just taking things as they come, one day at a time. 

Im making the most of the time we are spending at home, by doing things that content my heart, like baking, reading (Sleeing Beauties by Stephen and Owen King), gardening, crafting, art activities with the boys, watching movies, and lots of laughing.

Today I am grateful for...

1. My healthy, safe family. Ive said it before, but its so important to me, especially at the moment.

2. A cool change in the weather, I can get the more strenuous jobs done in the yard.. depending on my motivation, uh-oh!

3. A phone/internet connection that works. Ours has been out, on and off, for the last week and when youre staying at home it's nice to have that connection to the outside world. I dont have social media but I love reading blogs, seeing how others are doing, Pinterest for ideas, Google for recipes and learning. Its funny, in a non-humorous way, how reliant we are on the internet now. 

Well, I had really better get out of bed and get this day started. Ive been awake since 4.30 downloading as much work for the boys as i could could while the internet was working. 

Time for breakfast

♡♡♡