Anxiety Heart

After receiving word regarding work and the decision to return ultimately up to myself, I decided I will go back next week. 

I am so, so grateful to have my job, the flexibility, the hours to suit being a mum as well, and the opportunity to show my boys that to get what you want, you need to work for it.. but I am petrified of going back.

Anxiety hit me like a train, knocking the air out of my lungs and turning me into a useless, shaking mess.

My thoughts were dizzying. 

Its not that I dont want to go back to work, its not that I'm scared of the virus risk, there have been no cases in our town - reported...

Its that home is where my heart and soul feel most at peace.

I am my happiest when I'm caring for my family.

I dont like crowds, I have panic attacks just going to the supermarket.

At work I know these people, I know I'm safe, I accept all this.

So why am I so terrified of people?!

To ease the jitters I keep busy.

Simple chores to keep my hands busy and mind thinking of basic tasks rather than over thinking and questioning everything.

So washing is hung in the afternoon sun.

The smell of fresh laundry, grass, and sweet sea breeze wafting over my skin and through my hair.

My heartrate slows.

I breathe a little easier.

I go inside and bake.

Lemon Slice, Boof's favourite. 

Crush 400g of plain biscuits, I use my food processor.

Add 2 cups of shredded coconut and the finely grated rind of 1 lemon.

In a small saucepan gently heat a tin of condensed milk (just the contents, not the tin 🙃) and 200g of butter until the butter is melted. Stir often to avoid burning.

Pour into your bowl of dry ingredients and mix it all together.

Pour the mix into a tray lined with baking paper - leave enough baking paper overhanging the ends to use as handles when its time to lift it out of the tray.

Flatten it all out evenly, I use my masher but hands are just fine.

Pop in the fridge for an hour and a half to firm up.

To make the icing mix 2 cups of icing sugar, 20g of soft butter and the juice of your lemon (used for rind earlier).

If it is too funny add more icing sugar.

When the base is done in the fridge spread the icing over and let it stand for 30 mins to set.

It no longer needs refrigeration.

*I double the base recipe (not the icing) as I have hungry boys and like to use a full tin of condensed milk in one go. If you want a smaller slice please halve these measurements.

Lift out of the tray using your baking paper handles.

Cut yourself a yummy slice to go with a cup of tea, and find some sunshine to soak up.

Crocheting has helped me most, since I began having anxiety problems at 11 years old.

Nature is my other big healer.

I find the wind rushing through the trees very soothing.

I love the rain.

I adore thunder.

Sitting in the last of the afternoon sun calms me, reminding me that tomorrow the sun will rise again and so will I.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow. 

I just need to remind myself that.

No specific gratitudes today.

I like to think this post is one big gratitude tribute.

🖤🖤🖤