With or Without You

There's not a night goes by that I don't climb into bed after a long day, finally getting 5 minutes to myself to think and reflect, and wish i had more time with my Dad.

Often things will happen and I'll think I should tell Dad about it, and it's a knife in the heart when I remember I can't.

I still haven't forgiven myself for all the time we wasted arguing with each other.

We were too much alike I think. I'll take that.

This month marked the first year of not having him around.

I have a recording of his voice mail saved on my phone, so if I begin to worry that I'm forgetting what his gravelly voice sounded like, I can play the recording.

I haven't needed it much.

I have all my memories locked so tightly inside, petrified that one day I will inevitably forget some details.

Though don't ask me what I ate for lunch yesterday because it'll take me an hour of racking my brain to remember!

For this first anniversary to honor Dad I got a tattoo.

Some native flowers that grew around his home and feathers of birds that had significance to us.

Dad kept birds for most of his life.

The first bird he gave me as my own was a pink and grey galah, I called her Jamie.

One of the biggest birds (aside from peacocks for a brief time) were Sulphur Crest cockatoos. 

One Christmas about 6 or 7 years ago we were spending the holiday with my parents in their little town. 

My boy's dad was finishing work on Christmas eve and driving there to meet us that evening (we were still together at this stage).

But he didn't turn up.

The road he was traveling on is an unsealed, gravel road that only a year or two before my Pop had a car accident and passed away.

I was worried sick that this road had taken him too.

At midnight, 7 hours after he was expected to arrive, I got a call from a stranger to let me know that he'd found the boys dad, safe and well, just the car had broken down.

So Dad and I hopped straight into my car and drove the 2.5 hours to reach him.

About half an hour into the journey we came around a bend and there was an owl sitting smack bang in the middle of the road, staring at us.

Luckily I was too scared to be driving more than 80kph so was able to go around him.

He just sat there, unafraid, watching us.

Those are the reasons I chose those feathers.

They have their little meanings and memories.

We buried Dads ashes.

I want to say 'finally', because it had been a year, but I know some people need more time before they can take that step.

One of the towns oldest and maddest characters said a beautiful prayer.

We had a beer at the pub for him.

Then we gathered a small handful of Dads closest friends and went back to the grave.

We parked right next to it, opened all the car doors and blared a U2 album from the stereo and we swept the dirt off the grave, drank more beers and told the most hilarious stories and jokes that Dad used to tell.

He was such a story teller, and his tales became more and more exaggerated as time went on.

When I first posted about my Dad a year ago I mentioned a song that always makes me think of him.

With or Without You, by U2.

It came on in the album and I stayed silent through that song.

This was the perfect 'funeral' that I imagined for Dad, and hopefully just how he would've liked it.

Nothing big, a small group just having a laugh over drinks and old times.

The next day we drove home.

I took my teal blanket to work on in the car to keep me busy.

We got 40km out of town and the radio started playing With or Without You. 

Boof held my hand while he drove on and I silently cried my heart out, staring at the bush out the window.

Before we went to bury his ashes, I sent out a little prayer to the Universe that Dad would show me a sign that he was there.

That song coming up was the sign I needed. 

This picture is taken right next to my Dads house. 

As a kid I was forever playing in this area of bush, building cubby houses in the trees, looking for treasure - usually broken coloured glass, playing hide and seek with friends.

I was in a small accident just up the first track and remember seeing my Dad come running fast as lightning to my rescue.

The sunsets we used to watch here were so beautiful. 

The track leads to the salt lake.

We had so many adventures here.

Even as an adult, I would go for a walk through the area every time I visited.

Dad and I used to walk the last dog he owned through the winding trails.

The dirt is so dry in places it puffs up around your feet.

You'll be red from the knees down by the time you get home.

It was a wonderful childhood.

Thank you for that, Dad xx

A Big Catch Up!

*Long Post Warning*

The calendar flipped its pages in a blur this past few months.

I try to blog at least once a month as a bit of a journal for myself but December completely got away from me.

It is definitely my busiest month, what with a birthday, Christmas, end of school and work, holidays..

Crazy crazy! 

 

Things have slowed down a little and I am loving being able to potter around the house in my jammies for longer, not do my hair and makeup - I think I've brushed my hair once so far these holidays!

Just lots of dawdling about, no rushing, plenty of time to watch all my feathered visitors enjoy/destroy my garden.

I say destroy the garden but it doesn't bother me really.

I feel lucky to have my little green patch of suburbia and have parrots and cockatoos stop by to feast.

And the chooks love it when they come too, they wait at the bottom of the sunflowers and gobble up the seeds and heads that get dropped.

Speaking of the chickens, a bit of an overdue update for you..

Two of our hatched babies were roosters so we gave them back to the friend who gave us the eggs.

I will try to get a photo for my next post of our two beautiful girls, Barbara (the golden chick) and Ore (a very pretty black and gold girl).

We are currently babysitting 3 Silkys too, its a full house.. or yard ;)

Aside from the sunflowers, the garden has not fared well for the last couple of seasons.

We put in our usually yummies to enjoy over summer but did not have any success to speak of.

The tomatoes were few and what were the size of our hands last year were the size of cherries this time around.

No good for slicing on toast.

We are going to let what is planted finish off and then open the vege garden gate to the chickens and let them work some magic over winter.

Hopefully giving the soil a rest and topping up with good composts and manures next spring will bring it back to life.

Our fruit trees have done well though, our plum and apricot trees gave 3 fruit apiece and were deelish.

Not bad for their first season.

The nectarines were plenty, big and juicy but alas, fruit fly claimed all but a handful of what would have been baskets and baskets of tasty fruit. We used a garlic spray which was effective but being so busy we forgot to reapply often enough.

Lesson learned.

The almond tree in its second season was also covered but the parrots found them and had a nibble so I plucked the rest off too soon and they weren't ripe which is dangerous with almonds as they have a toxic cyanide content until fully ripe.

Unfortunately this piece of information only came to me after Boof and I had eaten an unripe nut last year.

We were amazed it tasted like cucumber!

Thankfully we didn't get sick.

Last week I built a rain barrel for the shed's runoff to collect more water for the garden.

I feel terribly guilty every time I turn the hose on so decided to do something about it.

Aside from materials I already had in the shed I only needed to buy the 60L bin and tap which cost about $25.

On afterthought I could've done away with the tap and just taken the lid off to scoop water with a bucket.

I can add extra bins and attach to the overflow hose to collect even more water.

Small progress.

Now we just need rain.

Sadly a huge part of our country could desperately do with a good downpour to relieve from drought and devastating fires.

It's heartbreaking to see people losing everything and in some cases friends or family, exhausted volunteers breaking down, and the wildlife losing their habitats.

We wanted to donate what we could toward fire relief but there are so many in need.

After much thought and tears, we donated a small amount to assist in creating water stations for the wildlife.

Now if everybody wouldn't mind, can we all please take off our shoes, let your hair out, go outside and do your own little rain-dance ;)

I feel guilty not only for just using water but more especially for using it to grow inedible pretties, so hopefully my first rain barrel will bring enough water to keep my flowers going too.

My absolute favourite flowers are dahlias and unfortunately it's also a favourite treat of the chooks and ducks.

I have fenced off the flower gardens but was probably too late in doing so, but still managed a couple of beauties.

A tall white one is opening at the moment

*swoon*

I follow a most amazing crochet blog and there is currently a crochet-along for a dahlia blanket!

It was inspired by the flowers and is a beautiful colour blend of all the dahlia shades, and using a spike stitch to mimic the petals.

I have ordered myself a yarn pack and intend to make one for the family, along with the 'sweet pea' blanket as well.

Cannot wait!

Go to Attic24 and have a looksee at her stunning work!

While I wait for my yarn pack I have been working on some other projects.

I finished some bunting I planned to hang above my kitchen window, but after a frustrating, hot, sticky day of finishing up the triangles and stitching them together, the pieces are curled and the hooks keep falling off the wall.

I could block the pieces and mount permanent hooks but I'm over the whole idea now so might hang them in the garden instead!

Ha!

I am very proud to show you the bag I made for myself.

Following a pattern like this was new for me and after one panel of mistakes I got the hang of it and it only took me a couple of days.

I have started a chunky, teal coloured ribbed throw for myself.

So far I have used 4 balls of wool and realized I am only getting 4 rows to the ball.

My local store had run out of the teal I'm using so I ordered some more but will need a whole lot to get it to the size I'm after.

It's going to be a bit on the pricey side but I'm telling myself it will last forever and be a beautiful, lush and cosy rug!

A few months ago I started crocheting an American flag throw.

I was using the bead stitch so it was taking a while and I eventually realized I had started with white, instead of red, so a couple of days ago I undid it all and restarted, changing to just a treble stitch.

It was looking great, colours were correct, tension was nice, BUT...

as I wasn't following a pattern my math failed me.

Again.

I calculated the stripes incorrectly and it was going to be a very small throw.

Sigh.

I will again undo it but only up to the end of the first red stripe and make them a row or 2 deeper.

It's all learning, right?!

Christmas day was wonderful.

I choked up a couple of times (in secret) at the thought of not hearing from my Dad but I was smitten to have Boof and my boys home.

We had a hot smoked glazed ham, salads, eggnog and trifle.

I think I had 4 serves of trifle in the one day!!

We played a Christmas bingo, popped crackers, laughed at the corny jokes and played Charades.

It was wonderful fun.

Then we relaxed in front of movies with full bellies and puffed from laughing.

I have done a bit of reading over the last couple of months.

I finally read To Kill A Mockingbird - I loved it!!!

A Stolen Life, by Jaycee Dugard.

What a resilient, positive soul she is.

I cried reading her book and will carry her story inside for a long time.

A couple of weeks after I read it my youngest was an hour late coming home from a friends house.

He is often 10 or so minutes late but an hour is unusual for him.

I normally start panicking after ten minutes but am trying to let go a bit.

But with the sun starting to set I thought I'd better go look for him while it's still light.

I drove and drove, not knowing exactly where to look.

I hadn't been to this particular friends house before and I had tried to follow my boys directions (which turned out to be way off) but I couldn't find him.

I came home to get my other boys to help look and direct me.

I was starting to shake.

I had the worst visions of someone kidnapping my baby and doing awful things, and his little face crying.

I just knew he would be wanting to go home to his family, to his mum.

Then I spotted him walking with a group of friends, eating pop tarts with not an air of urgency in the world.

He said goodbye to his friends a jumped in the car.

I nearly burst into tears.

The poor kid, I yelled at him out of fear, tears welling in my eyes.

I explained - in an appropriate way to a 10 year old - the story of Jaycee and why I had gotten so scared.

It is my biggest fear that anything bad happen to my kids.

I guess one day when they are parents themselves they will understand.

Although my middle kid told me to perhaps not read books about abductions, he could be right but it unfortunately does happen.

Surely I'm not the only mother that has these fears?

Moving along now.. and apparently not taking my sons advice about what I read..

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas was a sad, sad story.

I cried again though found the movie more intense.

In the last couple of years a movie was filmed in a town about 5 hours from here where some family live.

I am yet to see the movie but read the book a couple of weeks ago.

Breath, by Tim Winton.

Hmm.

The book was one thing, I can go with it, each to their own.

Based on a couple of teenage surfers and their mentor, it was well written, easy to follow, and despite my fear of the ocean - or perhaps because of it - my heart rate increased when waves were caught, or not. The anxiety and the rush of the ocean were captured well.

But then there was the other subject matter.

Like I said, each to their own..

But I could not get my head around how a movie could be made of it that didn't cross any lines, and there were a few to cross.

I guess it might go down as one of those books/movies that run on a slight shock factor or simply making people feel uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm just surprised that it was what it was, and not what I expected -  a story based on innocent self-discovery through nature/the ocean.

I've moved onto something lighter now,

The One Hundred Year Old Man Who Jumped Out The Window And Disappeared - by Jonas Jonasson.

It has sat on my bedhead for an awful long time, waiting to be read but despite my own choosing it, it never appealed to me enough to make a start.

Though after the deep and dark books I'd read lately I thought maybe it was time.

It's a nice book so far.

Not one I can't tear myself away from but when I do get time to pick it up, it holds my interest and keeps me wondering.

Gosh, I have gotten away with myself on this post.

And I initially thought I had not a lot to write about, ha!

I better get up and get presentable, I'm meeting some family for a bbq lunch.

The weather is overcast, cool but warm, and perfect.

I'll cross my fingers for some rain tonight.

Well,

Happy New Year

to all of my readers.

Have a safe and wonderful 2020 with lots of happiness and joy.

I did say to myself that this year couldn't get any worse than last, but things could always be worse.

Remember that and try to appreciate what you have.

I want to try something new in my posts this year, hopefully I don't forget.

I'm going to begin ending my posts with 3 things I am grateful for.

ok, lemme see..

I am grateful...

1. That my boys are safe and healthy, and have not been kidnapped - phew!

2. That I have found the most incredible chocolate cake recipe with the perfect not-too-sweet frosting to match ;)

3. To have the friend network that I do. Friends and family have begun to mean the same thing to me. I quite love my little friend family ❤

I hope I don't/didn't bore you with my too long post.

Can you believe I'm the same in person ;)

Toodles!

❤❤❤