Autumn Gold

I love autumn.

The crisp air on my cheeks.

Chilly wind whipping my hair.

A thin blanket of smoke and cloud covering roof and tree tops.

The stillness.

I have started going for a walk on Saturday mornings.

A little bit of time for me.

Steps to restore some level of fitness, and also steps to rediscovering myself.

I walk for just under an hour.

I get inspiration from other people's gardens I pass.

I feel joy when I notice the view from the top of the hill.

I feel youthful and reminiscent when finding natural treasures, like tree sap/amber hanging from branches, the little sproutlings of new plants pushing up through the damp earth and moss has begun lining the paths again.

Autumn is such a quiet and peaceful time.

The world slows down after the summer buzz.

The sun is spending a little less time in the sky and has moved over just a smidge so golden hour bursts right in through my bedroom window.

I can soak up the last of the day's light sitting on my bed, reading.

The ambience of a crackling fire fills the front room.

The boys do puzzles, read books and play chess against each other.

Quiet. Slow. Still. 

The Gypsy Blanket has made its way back onto the bed.

Its heavy layer keeping us toasty and snug.

It is a safe feeling. 

I savour it all.

I am grateful for...

1. Realising I needed to find myself again.

I was so swept up in stress and didn't like what was becoming of me. Its taking some self discipline but I am trying to be grounded and let go of things that dont need to be controlled.

2. Quiet.

My world is constant noise. At work, at home, and the world in general. I am so grateful for this chilled out season that puts everyone into slow-mo.

3. Hot water.

That might seem silly or funny, but honest, a long, hot shower is a luxury i appreciate daily. 

Siggghhh.

🧡💛🧡

Anxiety Heart

After receiving word regarding work and the decision to return ultimately up to myself, I decided I will go back next week. 

I am so, so grateful to have my job, the flexibility, the hours to suit being a mum as well, and the opportunity to show my boys that to get what you want, you need to work for it.. but I am petrified of going back.

Anxiety hit me like a train, knocking the air out of my lungs and turning me into a useless, shaking mess.

My thoughts were dizzying. 

Its not that I dont want to go back to work, its not that I'm scared of the virus risk, there have been no cases in our town - reported...

Its that home is where my heart and soul feel most at peace.

I am my happiest when I'm caring for my family.

I dont like crowds, I have panic attacks just going to the supermarket.

At work I know these people, I know I'm safe, I accept all this.

So why am I so terrified of people?!

To ease the jitters I keep busy.

Simple chores to keep my hands busy and mind thinking of basic tasks rather than over thinking and questioning everything.

So washing is hung in the afternoon sun.

The smell of fresh laundry, grass, and sweet sea breeze wafting over my skin and through my hair.

My heartrate slows.

I breathe a little easier.

I go inside and bake.

Lemon Slice, Boof's favourite. 

Crush 400g of plain biscuits, I use my food processor.

Add 2 cups of shredded coconut and the finely grated rind of 1 lemon.

In a small saucepan gently heat a tin of condensed milk (just the contents, not the tin 🙃) and 200g of butter until the butter is melted. Stir often to avoid burning.

Pour into your bowl of dry ingredients and mix it all together.

Pour the mix into a tray lined with baking paper - leave enough baking paper overhanging the ends to use as handles when its time to lift it out of the tray.

Flatten it all out evenly, I use my masher but hands are just fine.

Pop in the fridge for an hour and a half to firm up.

To make the icing mix 2 cups of icing sugar, 20g of soft butter and the juice of your lemon (used for rind earlier).

If it is too funny add more icing sugar.

When the base is done in the fridge spread the icing over and let it stand for 30 mins to set.

It no longer needs refrigeration.

*I double the base recipe (not the icing) as I have hungry boys and like to use a full tin of condensed milk in one go. If you want a smaller slice please halve these measurements.

Lift out of the tray using your baking paper handles.

Cut yourself a yummy slice to go with a cup of tea, and find some sunshine to soak up.

Crocheting has helped me most, since I began having anxiety problems at 11 years old.

Nature is my other big healer.

I find the wind rushing through the trees very soothing.

I love the rain.

I adore thunder.

Sitting in the last of the afternoon sun calms me, reminding me that tomorrow the sun will rise again and so will I.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow. 

I just need to remind myself that.

No specific gratitudes today.

I like to think this post is one big gratitude tribute.

🖤🖤🖤